Like I Was Sayin’: Complex legislative acronyms provide chance for local benefit | CPT PPP Coverage

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Brad Stanhope: Like I Was Sayin’

Unless you follow Congress closely, you may not know the legislative branch of our federal government is obsessed with acronyms. Especially acronyms that spell out words.

Often, it’s ridiculous.

A recent article in The Atlantic pointed out some particularly crazy examples: the DAYLIGHT Act (Daylight All Year Leads to Ideal Gains in Happiness and Temperament), the ZOMBIE Act (Zeroing Out Money for Buying Influence after Elections), the CROOK Act (Countering Russian and Other Overseas Kleptocracy) and the GIVE MILK Act (Giving Increased Variety to Ensure Milk Into the Lives of Kids).

Silly, right?

There are others, too. The tortured acronyms usually indicate the goal of the legislation. The Atlantic cites the CONFUCIUS Act (anti-China), the SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP Act (pro-U.K.) and the CONSCIENCE Act (anti-vax). The acronyms are called “backronyms,” because the authors obviously came up with a word for their bill, then found awkward phrasing that results in CROOK or ZOMBIE or GIVE MILK.

It’s kind of brilliant.

I think it’s time to bring it home. It’s time for local representatives to introduce legislation that benefits us and spells out words to reflect that.

For instance, as county, state and federal representatives head into 2023, they should consider the following:

The Save Our Last Attempt to Name Our Multi-Attributed Layaway Land (SOLANO MALL) Act. This would permit residents to legally call the mall in Fairfield the “Solano Mall,” which was its name for most of its first few decades. It was then the Westfield Solano Mall and has been the Solano Town Center for a decade, but who can remember that? This law would allow people in my demographic to freely call it Solano Mall and not be corrected.

Funding Areas In Relative Financial Interrelationship with Evolving Landing Domains (FAIRFIELD) Act. This would provide millions of dollars for cities that have a long-standing relationship with military bases where a large number of airplanes land. The FAIRFIELD Act would keep Travis Air Force Base open indefinitely and provide money for residents because that would be nice.

Withdraw Another Duo Entangled in Being Rather Obscure, Tremendously Heated, Exasperating Raiders Supporters (WADE BROTHERS) Act. This would provide free counseling for local newspaper columnists who are overly passionate fans of an NFL team that has twice moved from its area and whose management that virtually assures disappointing seasons. The WADE BROTHERS Act could help local people, although I’m not 100% sure who. Even if someone fit the bill, I suspect they would resist the help, due to jealousy of the San Francisco 49ers.

The Benefit Ridiculous Aging Diabetics (BRAD) Act. This would provide an annual stipend to baby boomers who have newspaper columns in which they occasionally mention they have diabetes. The BRAD Act could come in handy if, for instance, I were to remind you I have lived with Type I diabetes since I was 14 and it was the eighth-leading cause of death in the United States in 2021. If I did that, the BRAD Act would provide a stipend. Cha-ching!

There’s more (The VACAVILLE Act, the SUISUN CITY WATERFRONT Act, etc.), but I’m tired because I’m a Type 1 diabetic and have been for a long time.

Cha-ching!

Reach Brad Stanhope, a diabetic, at [email protected]. Cha-ching.

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